Ladies Almanack - April
APRIL hath 30 days
THEIR SIGNS:

ACUTE Melancholy is noticeable in those who have gone a long Way into this Matter, whereas a light giggling, dancing Fancy seems to support those in the very first Stages; brief of Thought; cut of Concentration; a Tendency to hop, skip and jump, and to misplace the Eye at every single or several Manifestation of Girl in like Distemper.
Chill succeeds, and Restlesness at Night, or unaccountable Tabulation of unimportant Objects, such as Flag-Stones (Busbys an she be in London!) Steeples, Mulberries in Baskets, Tabs to Dresses, Hooves to Horses, and Stars in the Sky.
This gives place, in from six to eight Weeks, to a Sobriety that includes thoughts of Transmigration, Levitation, Myopia and Blight. The Eye trickles, the Breath is short, the Spleen is distended, and the Epiglottis rises and falls like the continual swallowing of the Heart. Whereupon the Veins are seen to lift themselves, the Nerves twitch, the Palms become moist, the Feet lose their activity, the Bowels contract, and, as in the old Days when a Person in the last stages of Hydrophobia sometimes found small Whelps in the Urine, in the Waters of such is seen the fully Robed on-marching Figure of Venus no larger than a Caraway Seed, a Trident in one Hand and a Gos-Wasp on the left Fist.
One such, in the Death Agony, is said to have passed a whole School of Trulls, couched on a Conch Shell, which such, emitting Fire, raged until they had brought the Body of the Fluid to such Flame in its Night Vase, that it resembled a burning Brandy, and so ran upon the Sufferer that she was seen to be re-entered in a burst of Smoke, and was thus, in less than a Second, a charred and glowing Ember. Be this as it may, there have been some and several who hold the Sickness and the Signs of such are diverse to the Point where Classification becomes almost impossible; an whole Anatomy would needs be penned to get at so much as the smallest Tendril of the Malady, Grief and Agony.
Others be of a Temper that nothing will discountenance them save Vanity. These are seen twining Ivy in their Hair, or dashing a Spring of Bay athwart the Temples, while intoning, "I am I!" nor deigning to have Trouble whatsoever, unless someone demand "What of it?" which does send them into such a Fury that the very Raiment of their Company is in Danger, and so distorted are their Faces by bootless Pride, that they resemble, in no small degree, the Wolf despoiled of her Litter.
Still others are of a different Dye, and are sweet and tender always, and find much Pleasure in making Sacrifices and Gifts, and in strewing Roses before the oncoming of their Adored. In such one sees the limpid Eye, the up-curved Mouth, the silken Child's Hair, the bonne mine, the regnant Temper, the strong Heart and the Courage that goes for Folly. Such can be counted on at all hours, and are buried when dead, with the look of the good Clock which has been never slow or fast, but has tolled the exact hour for the duration of Mortality,
and is silenced only and unrecording, for
that the Lord put forth his
Shears and cut down
the Weights.